Sunday, 14 June 2015

a bit of a me, me, me.......

My name is Helen and........I haven't run since the 4th May.

Since doing the May Day Tri, I have completely lost all motivation and desire to want to run, swim or cycle. 

Doing the May Day Tri was an interesting experience. I loved the swimming aspect, I could have kept going. The cycling was really hard, and as for trying to run after putting my bike into transition, I may as well have had spaghetti for legs, rather than bones, ligaments, tendons. I was glad I finished it. But I wasn't exhilarated, or on a high.

But since then, my trainers have stayed where they were put that day.

Am I bothered? Yes, and no. 

Yes: I ran 10 miles last year. I worked up to that. And I actually enjoyed that experience. I know that it is possible to achieve a goal.

No: is there any point to keeping on going? What is my motivation to keep going now that I completed my challenge to raise money for cancer research in memory of my dad? 

I struggle with the notion of exercising for pleasure, for relaxation. I really hoped that I would have developed the running that it became something I would come to enjoy. But I feel let down by that.

But it's the thought of getting out and doing it. By now, I think I have lost a fair amount of fitness now. And I guess that is now negatively impacting on my confidence to go out again, because I think that I'll struggle and I'll fail myself. I go out with expectations on myself, and if I don't fulfill it, I've failed myself.

I feel I've let so many people down. Getting to running club has been difficult since My OH started working in London. Being honest, I was struggling before to get there before he started, but now he can't avoid the hours he works, and the subsequent commuting time. If I do go back, I'll struggle that I won't be able to keep up, and it will all completely fall around my ears. And that people will just get frustrated with me. So what's the point in going?

Now, I know there are many people who would love to be able to have the ability to run, and can't due to injury, disability etc. and I should be thankful that I have  legs that can move,  I have the freedom and choice to be able to run. To those people, I apologise. But I struggle with my own battles of low confidence and low self-esteem, and not reaching out to others for help because I feel like an idiot. Maybe this is my cry for help.