And.........

I doubt you're dying to know whether or not I did parkrun or not, but I did, I hauled myself out of bed, having the previous night, been persuaded to do it by a friend who was also not going to go. She also turned up.

What can I say? It was lovely to see some faces I hadn't seen for a long time, having missed out a lot on running club nights and generally not been to a parkrun for a while. I worked out the last time I went to my regular parkrun was in December last year. The last parkrun I did was two days later at a different location.

Today the course was no different than before - 5km. But it was the longest distance I had run since the beginning of May with very little training in between. Hence my time of 37:47 was the slowest time I've ever done at parkrun.

I ran naked. Now before you start wondering whether I was then arrested for indecent exposure, what I mean is that I ran not wearing a sports watch. So I couldn't keep track of my time/distance and therefore I wouldn't put pressure on myself, or start berating myself for how rubbish I was doing whilst running around.

I found the course hard. I ran/walked. Although I'm not entirely sure I have ever ran that particular course all the way before, so perhaps I can give myself a break.

I do need to give myself a break. I have this idea that I have to run all the way for it to be a good run. The fact I went and got around is more than I have done for a long time. I am harsh on myself and as a result, probably like a lot of runners, I don't always appreciate the fact that when I run, I am going faster than those sat in the sofa. But, my training regime is poor. I don't actually have a regime, but I haven't done a lot recently of running so I can't elicit sympathy when things don't go well.

So, next week my plan is to go back to parkrun again.

Bricking it

Over  a year ago I ran my first park run. I was nervous and had no idea what to expect. I had nothing to worry about. I last did a parkrun at the end of December. Having not run properly since the May Day tri, the thought of doing a parkrun again makes me nervous all over again. I need to MTFU (in the words of a very good friend who' doesn't stand for self-pitying. And if you don't know what it means - Google it).

I have nothing to be worried about. Its not a competition. But inside me I have a feeling of letting myself down. But I have have myself to blame for not getting out and going for a run. Depression stinks, and it can make life hard. But my attitude is what is going to get me going and I need to focus.

So hopefully, tomorrow, I might have another parkrun result.

I would like to announce......

.......that since I wrote the last blog post I have got back out and running.

Sometimes, writing things down is a therapeutic process and helps put things into perspective. So this includes that actually I don't hate running. I find it okay. I have been back to running club a couple of times and helped with the beginners groups. I really enjoyed that.

I have also since signed up for Great South Run again, and the Southampton Half Marathon.

I am undecided on which charity to support this year. There are so many to choose from. I am inclined to support a charity that supports families and sufferers with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. My nan had been diagnosed with this a couple of years before she died. It's a devastating illness, like many degenerative diseases.

I feel like I am learning to run all over again at the moment. But with perseverance I'll be able to manage the great south run like last year. I do still have some fitness within me.

a bit of a me, me, me.......

My name is Helen and........I haven't run since the 4th May.

Since doing the May Day Tri, I have completely lost all motivation and desire to want to run, swim or cycle. 

Doing the May Day Tri was an interesting experience. I loved the swimming aspect, I could have kept going. The cycling was really hard, and as for trying to run after putting my bike into transition, I may as well have had spaghetti for legs, rather than bones, ligaments, tendons. I was glad I finished it. But I wasn't exhilarated, or on a high.

But since then, my trainers have stayed where they were put that day.

Am I bothered? Yes, and no. 

Yes: I ran 10 miles last year. I worked up to that. And I actually enjoyed that experience. I know that it is possible to achieve a goal.

No: is there any point to keeping on going? What is my motivation to keep going now that I completed my challenge to raise money for cancer research in memory of my dad? 

I struggle with the notion of exercising for pleasure, for relaxation. I really hoped that I would have developed the running that it became something I would come to enjoy. But I feel let down by that.

But it's the thought of getting out and doing it. By now, I think I have lost a fair amount of fitness now. And I guess that is now negatively impacting on my confidence to go out again, because I think that I'll struggle and I'll fail myself. I go out with expectations on myself, and if I don't fulfill it, I've failed myself.

I feel I've let so many people down. Getting to running club has been difficult since My OH started working in London. Being honest, I was struggling before to get there before he started, but now he can't avoid the hours he works, and the subsequent commuting time. If I do go back, I'll struggle that I won't be able to keep up, and it will all completely fall around my ears. And that people will just get frustrated with me. So what's the point in going?

Now, I know there are many people who would love to be able to have the ability to run, and can't due to injury, disability etc. and I should be thankful that I have  legs that can move,  I have the freedom and choice to be able to run. To those people, I apologise. But I struggle with my own battles of low confidence and low self-esteem, and not reaching out to others for help because I feel like an idiot. Maybe this is my cry for help. 

This girl is back!!

today was my first race since I pulled out of Ryde 10 miles in January. Training hadn't been as consistent as I would have liked, but my cycling and swimming had increased in this time so I think they were my saving grace today.

So I'm waiting at 7am at Hoglands Park (race starts at 8.30). I'd been paranoid that if my husband had brought me in later I would be completely panicking that I wouldn't reach the start of the race. I felt completely sick with anxiety, and tiredness (I'd woken up at 5am).

So, anyway, once the race started I follwed the pack on a route which started at Hoglands Park, via the guildhall, Ocean Village, over and back across the Itchen Bridge, past St. Mary's Stadium, and back into town to finish back at the Guildhall. 10km.

I'd been dreading the Itchen Bridge, having not practiced it at all. Being sensible I walked and ran it. It was such a lovely atmosphere seeing and hearing people encourage each other as they passed each other.

The last 2 miles I really struggled with, but I still came in with a respectable time of 1:11:57. By the time I reached Guildhall I was completely finished. But it was worth getting through.

The running club were fabulous in being mile markers, and it was a big relief to see the. At the bottom of Itchen Bridge. That really pushed me to keep going. I even ran without my usual running watch, which was really odd, but a good thing to do.

So, what's next? After the May Day Triahlon I have nothing else booked in. But, in true running club fashion, it's Sunday evening and therefore races to be entered!!!

(When I can add pictures I will!!))

Suffering a disappointment

Today was the Eastleigh 10k run. A nice local run which was reasonably flat, from what I've been led to believe. But due to being w good girl and following my running rehab programme, it meant that I was unable to take part. Very disappointed, although in some ways, as a friend said to me, feeling like this means I do have some passion for keeping going. However, one of the stewards took pity on me and let me have a tshirt, which the finishers were getting. 

My children did take part in the fun run and did themselves, and me, very proud. Both coming in having run it all and looking really strong. They pipped me to the post for the first medal this year, but I'm so proud that they gave it a really good go.

So, yesterday I was on a 20 minute run. And although the general throat burning sensation occurred when I always run, I kept going and felt reasonably comfortable. I am really happy that my fitness has been maintained and keeping going is a major achievement. 

5 weeks to Southampton 10k. Still disappointed that I'm not doing the half but this will be a test of perseverance to run over (and back across) the Itchen Bridge. 

Trying to stay positive and still building the confidence to get out on the bike. Although the weather at the moment is perfect. 

Starting rehab

So today, I receive my 6 weeks back to running plan. And it looks okay. Having done a couple of runs this last week,  my fitness hasn't completely given up the ghost so definitely manageable.

Having seen the 'This Girl Can' ads on TV, I am definitely much more inspired, and following today's pain and niggle free run (with the help of musical accompaniment), I am definitely feeling much more in the 'zone' and looking forward to recovering.

Let me say this now: I do not love running. I never have done, despite somehowbeing chosen to run as part of a select group at school during the games lessons during the last two years of school. Every time I drive by  Forches Cross fields near Newton Abbot, that's all I remember about it.

But  I love the feeling of accomplishment that I get when I finish a run. And I am so inspired by seeing friends really move forward in their own achievements. They make it look so easy. I know it's not. But I wonder do I have a problem with my own mentality and PMA (positive mental attitude). How do I overcome the voices that tell me I'm too tired, running in the dark isn't safe, I won't have enough time, I've got too much to do, I've not long eaten a big meal..........the list goes on.

I am very disappointed that I am only doing the 10k, and not the half marathon distance in Southampton next month. I signed up last June-ish. Putting aside the sensible decision making considering the last couple of months of not running, seeing so many of the running club taking part kind of makes me feel I'm letting someone down, not really sure who really. But I definelitely feel guilty. And I shouldnt. I have to put me first.