Building up the miles

It's been a little while since I last blogged. So what has been happening? Well, I've been back to running club and been involved with a group who graduated from the beginners course they did in May. For selfish reasons, this has helped me get back into running, and feeling too overwhelmed by the fabulousness of the other members of the running club.

Last Tuesday, everyone joined in the main intervals session. It was hard but really good, and I really did put effort into it. Thursday I helped lead the walk/run group and managed a reasonable just over 4 miles.

This morning, I joined a group doing 10k. Okay, clearly my fitness has a long way to go, and the girls really were fabulous. And as time was ticking along I had to cut it short and did 4.5 miles. Again, walk/run, but definitely more running than walking.

Great South Run is 6 weeks today. Little too close for comfort now, but my mantra shall be that I will get around - as it was last year. I haven't chosen a charity to raise money for this time specifically, but I might set up a last minute page.

Next planned run is intervals on Tuesday.

I need to push past the pre- run feelings of too tired, not enough time, can't be bothered. Once I am out, I am fine. Having started the summer with virtually no running has really impacted. Having depression, and not knowing what triggered it this year, has really complicated how I deal with it.

My diet is also shocking. I need to get that back on track. All the weight I lost at slimming world I have put back on, through self-indulgent comfort eating. There, I am claiming responsibility. Gluten free processed foods are higher in calories and this has clearly had a bad effect. Why can't I like fruit and vegetables like normal people???? Clearly, eating well will also be good for my mental wellbeing as well as my physical wellbeing.

Top gear

I had an interesting conversation this morning. When asked whether I had fallen back in love with running again, the conversation moved on to how much of a hassle it can be to get changed into running gear to even do a mile, and then get changed again when finished. Not an issue for the lads generally, but even  the hassle of finding and changing into a running bra for that time period made going out for a run feel even more hard to do. Even finding a matching pair of trusty running socks is painful at times. Seriously I have three socks all intended for the left foot. The sock monster has been let loose clearly!

But, this morning I was at parkrun again, and slightly bettered last week's time, I was very grateful for the lovely friend who kept me going this morning, and even when I walked a couple of times she didn't run off, even though I had said to her not to wait for me.

So has the love returned? It's getting there.

And.........

I doubt you're dying to know whether or not I did parkrun or not, but I did, I hauled myself out of bed, having the previous night, been persuaded to do it by a friend who was also not going to go. She also turned up.

What can I say? It was lovely to see some faces I hadn't seen for a long time, having missed out a lot on running club nights and generally not been to a parkrun for a while. I worked out the last time I went to my regular parkrun was in December last year. The last parkrun I did was two days later at a different location.

Today the course was no different than before - 5km. But it was the longest distance I had run since the beginning of May with very little training in between. Hence my time of 37:47 was the slowest time I've ever done at parkrun.

I ran naked. Now before you start wondering whether I was then arrested for indecent exposure, what I mean is that I ran not wearing a sports watch. So I couldn't keep track of my time/distance and therefore I wouldn't put pressure on myself, or start berating myself for how rubbish I was doing whilst running around.

I found the course hard. I ran/walked. Although I'm not entirely sure I have ever ran that particular course all the way before, so perhaps I can give myself a break.

I do need to give myself a break. I have this idea that I have to run all the way for it to be a good run. The fact I went and got around is more than I have done for a long time. I am harsh on myself and as a result, probably like a lot of runners, I don't always appreciate the fact that when I run, I am going faster than those sat in the sofa. But, my training regime is poor. I don't actually have a regime, but I haven't done a lot recently of running so I can't elicit sympathy when things don't go well.

So, next week my plan is to go back to parkrun again.

Bricking it

Over  a year ago I ran my first park run. I was nervous and had no idea what to expect. I had nothing to worry about. I last did a parkrun at the end of December. Having not run properly since the May Day tri, the thought of doing a parkrun again makes me nervous all over again. I need to MTFU (in the words of a very good friend who' doesn't stand for self-pitying. And if you don't know what it means - Google it).

I have nothing to be worried about. Its not a competition. But inside me I have a feeling of letting myself down. But I have have myself to blame for not getting out and going for a run. Depression stinks, and it can make life hard. But my attitude is what is going to get me going and I need to focus.

So hopefully, tomorrow, I might have another parkrun result.

I would like to announce......

.......that since I wrote the last blog post I have got back out and running.

Sometimes, writing things down is a therapeutic process and helps put things into perspective. So this includes that actually I don't hate running. I find it okay. I have been back to running club a couple of times and helped with the beginners groups. I really enjoyed that.

I have also since signed up for Great South Run again, and the Southampton Half Marathon.

I am undecided on which charity to support this year. There are so many to choose from. I am inclined to support a charity that supports families and sufferers with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. My nan had been diagnosed with this a couple of years before she died. It's a devastating illness, like many degenerative diseases.

I feel like I am learning to run all over again at the moment. But with perseverance I'll be able to manage the great south run like last year. I do still have some fitness within me.

a bit of a me, me, me.......

My name is Helen and........I haven't run since the 4th May.

Since doing the May Day Tri, I have completely lost all motivation and desire to want to run, swim or cycle. 

Doing the May Day Tri was an interesting experience. I loved the swimming aspect, I could have kept going. The cycling was really hard, and as for trying to run after putting my bike into transition, I may as well have had spaghetti for legs, rather than bones, ligaments, tendons. I was glad I finished it. But I wasn't exhilarated, or on a high.

But since then, my trainers have stayed where they were put that day.

Am I bothered? Yes, and no. 

Yes: I ran 10 miles last year. I worked up to that. And I actually enjoyed that experience. I know that it is possible to achieve a goal.

No: is there any point to keeping on going? What is my motivation to keep going now that I completed my challenge to raise money for cancer research in memory of my dad? 

I struggle with the notion of exercising for pleasure, for relaxation. I really hoped that I would have developed the running that it became something I would come to enjoy. But I feel let down by that.

But it's the thought of getting out and doing it. By now, I think I have lost a fair amount of fitness now. And I guess that is now negatively impacting on my confidence to go out again, because I think that I'll struggle and I'll fail myself. I go out with expectations on myself, and if I don't fulfill it, I've failed myself.

I feel I've let so many people down. Getting to running club has been difficult since My OH started working in London. Being honest, I was struggling before to get there before he started, but now he can't avoid the hours he works, and the subsequent commuting time. If I do go back, I'll struggle that I won't be able to keep up, and it will all completely fall around my ears. And that people will just get frustrated with me. So what's the point in going?

Now, I know there are many people who would love to be able to have the ability to run, and can't due to injury, disability etc. and I should be thankful that I have  legs that can move,  I have the freedom and choice to be able to run. To those people, I apologise. But I struggle with my own battles of low confidence and low self-esteem, and not reaching out to others for help because I feel like an idiot. Maybe this is my cry for help. 

This girl is back!!

today was my first race since I pulled out of Ryde 10 miles in January. Training hadn't been as consistent as I would have liked, but my cycling and swimming had increased in this time so I think they were my saving grace today.

So I'm waiting at 7am at Hoglands Park (race starts at 8.30). I'd been paranoid that if my husband had brought me in later I would be completely panicking that I wouldn't reach the start of the race. I felt completely sick with anxiety, and tiredness (I'd woken up at 5am).

So, anyway, once the race started I follwed the pack on a route which started at Hoglands Park, via the guildhall, Ocean Village, over and back across the Itchen Bridge, past St. Mary's Stadium, and back into town to finish back at the Guildhall. 10km.

I'd been dreading the Itchen Bridge, having not practiced it at all. Being sensible I walked and ran it. It was such a lovely atmosphere seeing and hearing people encourage each other as they passed each other.

The last 2 miles I really struggled with, but I still came in with a respectable time of 1:11:57. By the time I reached Guildhall I was completely finished. But it was worth getting through.

The running club were fabulous in being mile markers, and it was a big relief to see the. At the bottom of Itchen Bridge. That really pushed me to keep going. I even ran without my usual running watch, which was really odd, but a good thing to do.

So, what's next? After the May Day Triahlon I have nothing else booked in. But, in true running club fashion, it's Sunday evening and therefore races to be entered!!!

(When I can add pictures I will!!))