Sunday, 6 December 2015

Please don't judge

Sometimes I wonder why I carry on running. I find the motivation to do it difficult, and swimming is more my natural sport. 

As a result of struggling with mental health difficulties this year (and still struggling) running has been much harder this year than it was last year. As a result of not making it to training because of low feelings,  I don't have the miles in my legs as I did this time last year, my running times and distances are not as good as this time last year. This makes me cross with myself, then I start thinking that I can't hen do something, which in turn switches off the motivation, and cycle goes round and round and round.

As I write this I am making my usual pre-run breakfast of porridge with juice, and then it'll be a cuppa. Today it's a 5 mile race, which is also our club championship race as well. Not that I will win a prize. I entered because I wanted to do one thing a month for the running club. This contributes to my #fortyb4forty challenge as well. Plus, I do want to prove to myself that I am capable of doing something.

I definitely don't have 5 running miles in my legs, but 5 walk/run miles, and I can stride out pretty quickly. But I have such a heavy feeling that I don't want to race today. I'm going to go, as I am picking someone up on the way. All the feelings of being last, a failure, what if I start crying because I get anxious on the way round,what if I struggle because it's really windy. These feelings are so real for me at the moment.

I wish my blog could always be an uplifting and inspirational blog that running is fantastic and I love it. I don't love it. I do like it, a lot of the time, but today this is what I feel at times. I could just ignore what's happening inside me, but I can't. These feelings really bully me, and take over. 

So, I will post later post-race.


  1. If it makes you feel better as someone who is deemed to be one of the faster people I am not as quick as last year and also have doubts pre run about running quick. The pressure can as you say make it unenjoyable.

    I learnt to cope by using a few methods.

    1. Not every race is going to be a PB, I only go for a PB at parkrun 2-3 times a year.
    2. Have a plan when you do go to a race. Either its going to be a PB attempt, but if after 50% of the race I'm struggling I'll abort the attempt and try again later. I won't beat myself up about it as it is all part of the plan. Alternatively I'll just run round with someone i know at a slower pace to help them.

    Whatever you do be proud of your achievements.Out of the 500,000 plus people living on the South coast you are out there doing it. Okay you may be not be as quick as you would like but you are doing it. Put it in perspective of a lack of running/injuries and don't be hard on yourself.

  2. So what if you do cry? No one will judge you for it. And who cares even if they do? Let your emotions out, it's keeping them squashed in and pressed down that causes festering. In my eyes you are a champ. Standing on the shoulders of giants....