As a result of struggling with mental health difficulties this year (and still struggling) running has been much harder this year than it was last year. As a result of not making it to training because of low feelings, I don't have the miles in my legs as I did this time last year, my running times and distances are not as good as this time last year. This makes me cross with myself, then I start thinking that I can't hen do something, which in turn switches off the motivation, and cycle goes round and round and round.
As I write this I am making my usual pre-run breakfast of porridge with juice, and then it'll be a cuppa. Today it's a 5 mile race, which is also our club championship race as well. Not that I will win a prize. I entered because I wanted to do one thing a month for the running club. This contributes to my #fortyb4forty challenge as well. Plus, I do want to prove to myself that I am capable of doing something.
I definitely don't have 5 running miles in my legs, but 5 walk/run miles, and I can stride out pretty quickly. But I have such a heavy feeling that I don't want to race today. I'm going to go, as I am picking someone up on the way. All the feelings of being last, a failure, what if I start crying because I get anxious on the way round,what if I struggle because it's really windy. These feelings are so real for me at the moment.
I wish my blog could always be an uplifting and inspirational blog that running is fantastic and I love it. I don't love it. I do like it, a lot of the time, but today this is what I feel at times. I could just ignore what's happening inside me, but I can't. These feelings really bully me, and take over.
So, I will post later post-race.