A really helpful reply to a status for help on Facebook felt that perhaps I was taking things a little too seriously. And yes, without realising it, maybe I am. I do just need to enjoy running, and use it as a tool to escape the mundanity of life and it's routines, and to use that time for me.
As a teenager I was a swimmer, and completed in galas with the club I was a member of. So, my training, rightly enough, focussed on improving in order to win the races I took part in - which never happened!! And I always see sport as a competitive thing, and it's benefits of getting fit, rather than doing something as a means of having time out for myself. And therefore I don't enjoy it as much as I probably could as I'm stuck in this thought of training to improve to do really well and prove myself - to who exactly? Who am I trying to impress?? It's only myself really that I need to do this for. The training nights at running club are there for my benefit to improve my ability to run - not an essential thing that I have to take part in a race to prove myself to others.
I do like taking part in events, but I then get stuck in the thought that wearing by my club shirt I am representing the club, and clearly I must be representing the club, and finishing nearly last is clearly not giving the club a good name. Okay, I need to get that out of my head. I know that whatever position I come in, the club has been represented, and, actually, does anyone really give a jot what position I come in? No, they don't!! I'm just still stuck in this competitive sport thing I have in my head. Being competitive is good, but for me, not at the moment.
I'm slowly starting to believe in my ability to do be able to run. I'm touched by the lovely comments I get that I'm doing really well, and that people are actually proud of me when I finish events. Why can't I be really proud of myself? I'm usually just chuffed that I've made it round a course!!